Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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