Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
