my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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