I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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