That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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