im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
