i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
