i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
