def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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