i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
