Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
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I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
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Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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