Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
