Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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