party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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