I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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