Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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