I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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