I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
