so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
