Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Rumble strips road head = magical
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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