I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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