drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
