i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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