Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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