things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
