he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
