We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
