My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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