i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
