if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
