I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
