tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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