under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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