I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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