Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
