I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
He has the fingertips of a God
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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