when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
