Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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