Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
