I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
