You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
