i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
