I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
