why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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