Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
