I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
