I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
