My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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