I accidentally had phone sex last night
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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