she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
