is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
