Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
