If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
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I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
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my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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