I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
