Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
